We Are the Product of Our Own Upbringing

At our last grandparents meeting, the topic was “Letting Go of Our Adult Children.” This led us to a spirited discussion of our own parents and how they parented us. We felt that it was very much a part of the topic, because not only do we have to let our children grow up in their own way, we also have to let go of our own parents to become the realized people that we are.

Our grandparents’ generation was a product of the Depression. Their goal was to see that their children “had it better” – food, clothing, and job security. After World War II, parents wanted their children to have a better life than they had, and thought they could achieve this through higher education and acquiring material things. This generation wants their children to be safe and accomplished; they move at a much faster pace due to new technologies. The stress level is much higher today due to economic pressures and social and world insecurities.

Our generation had to let go of what we sometimes thought of as petty tyranny and parental control of our every action. Some of us were never really able to do that. We have a friend in her eighties who constantly blames her mother for her own faults. Amazing but true. What do we need to become fully formed adults and to be our best selves? We need to let go. We need to have the ability to see ourselves realistically and not be a pastiche of what others want us to be; not our parents’ vision nor our own childrens’ vision. We just need to be us!

What You Don't Say Speaks Volumes

Thinking back to our own childhoods, both of us remember something called “the look.” “The Look” was usually on your mother’s face and it conveyed a message of complete dissatisfaction with what you were wearing, doing, or where you were going.

As educated grandparents and parents, we think that our expressions are neutral. In reality, our feelings are visible and readily obvious to our children and grandchildren. We are often unaware that a raised eyebrow, a shrug of a shoulder, a deep sigh, or looking the other way can show displeasure.

Conversely, our children often respond non-verbally as well. Their reactions to us might include rolling their eyes, shuffling their feet, or reading a text message, which indicates their impatience and annoyance. These gestures replace unkind words or, often, too many words. Could this be a good communication strategy?

Even when we try to “zip it,” our body language often shows our true feelings, to which we are entitled. Body language can be used to communicate positive unspoken feelings as well as the negative ones. A huge smile, a hug, a slight nod or a touch or squeeze of a hand, speak volumes.

Tell us what you think!

Ann and Sue

Parenting is Never Easy...Being a Single Parent Is That Much Harder

When your children were younger, many of you participated in
a group for single parents at Central Synagogue with Ann Obsatz. Now that your
children are older, many of their needs have changed, as have yours.




My partner Sue Bayer and I are forming a group specifically
to address the needs of parenting without a partner. Sharing experiences and
concerns, we will seek alternatives to stressful daily challenges and be there
to support each other.




Please join us for the first discussion, by invitation only:

"As Single Parents Talk"




Date: Monday, March 12, 2012

Time: 6:00 PM - 7:30 PM

Place: Home of Sue Bayer

Stonehenge

360 East 65th
  St.

Apt.
 11F




We hope you will join us for fun, food, wine and good
conversation!




Please RSVP to Ann Obsatz at 212-861-6522 

or e-mail Ann at annobsatz@aol.com

or e-mail educatedgrandparent@gmail.com

The Educated Grandparent Is Also The Educated Parent

After running our first successful group for grandparents, we realized that many of the issues that arose were not issues between the grandparent and the grandchild, but rather between the grandparents and their grown children. This is not to suggest that blame rests on one or the other but brings up problems that need to be addressed even if there is no grandchild involved.



Dealing with an adult child is not always easy. Patterns that were established early on still resonate. It is hard to break old parent-child relationships.
In today's society with economic pressures, many adult children return home and revert back to early patterns as do their parents. Family relationships are never easy. 


Both of us are parents of adult children and we realize the difficulty of loving too little or too much. As early childhood specialists we have led many groups for parents of young children. Now we realize how much skill it takes to communicate effectively with adult children.


Therefore we are now offering a workshop series addressing many situations which may arise. 


Some of the topics we will talk about are:


Your "Baby" as a Competent Adult - Fostering Independence




Not Playing the Blame Game 



Keeping the Channels of Communication Open - It's Never too Late!

The Difference in Parenting Daughters and Sons 

Sibling Rivalry - It Never Ends

Living Your Own Life and Letting Them Live Theirs


We welcome your ideas, comments and input.
Please keep checking our blog and our new Facebook page @ www.facebook.com/educatedgrandparent for updates and workshops.

The Myth of Perfection

Psychologist Diana Siskind, in her book Working with Parents, suggests the image of the ideal parent who is loving, wise, kind, patient and reasonable (the one we wanted for ourselves and the one we aspired to become when we had children of our own) is an image only. This applies to grandparents as well.

We would love to be that "perfect person". Is that realistic? We may have perfect intentions but life gets in the way of our plans. Being perfect suggests that we are all powerful and gives us the illusion that we can control the events and people around us.

Emotions, ours and others, get in the way of our relationships and we often find ourselves responding with anger, threats, criticism or playing the blame game. Some people respond by internalizing the anger and might withdraw or beg to be listened to.

Being "perfect" puts a lot of pressure on everyone. When we pressure a child to be "perfect" that child often feels they are failing us because they are unable to live up to our demands. Hearing our anger, children may think it is their fault. In actuality, it probably has nothing to do with them, you just may be having a bad day. Children may also feel responsible for your happiness. That is a tremendous burden at any age.

We are human and we don't have all the answers. It is alright to say,
"That's a good question...I don't have the answer right now, but let me think about it."

We often ask children too many questions. This can add to feelings of insecurity when children don't know how to respond, since children feel safe and secure knowing that the adult is in control.

If we can get rid of the myth of "perfection," what a relief it will be for everyone.

The Happiness Trap

When you get right down to it, parents and grandparents have the same goal for their children. They just want them to be happy all the time.

What you think might make a child happy is not necessarily what the child needs or wants. Our need is to continue to take care of them but their need is to become independent and self sufficient.

Realistically, no one is happy all the time. Life is made up of a range of emotions but as parents and grandparents we get caught up in the "Happiness Trap."

When a child is very young we are needed, and that tends to make us happy. But as a child matures, that need for our constant loving presence diminishes.

Here is an example. A 19 year old comes home from college for the holidays. As is typical, he stays out late with friends, and sleep past noon. Mom waits for his door to open and immediately runs to the kitchen to brew fresh coffee and make him a big breakfast, even though the refrigerator is full, and he is capable of making his own breakfast. He waits for his mother to do it, because that has always been the pattern. When asked why she still does this, the mom responds, "it's one of the few things I can still do that makes him happy."

Even for our college aged grandchildren, we fret if that child isn't 100 percent happy. The most important gift we can give is letting them know that we are confident in their ability to make their own decisions and feel confident, capable and in charge of their own futures.

But.... We still hope they will be "happy."

Minding Your P's & Q's

Too many people are complaining that manners are a thing of the past. If you are one of them, we urge you to check out Sara Gorfinkle's wonderful site at www.saramanners.com and give thought to some of her classes or private lessons. She teaches workshops for children, which focus on dining etiquette basics. They are the only ones we know of and they're fun too!