Letting Your Adult Child Grow Up

When does an adult child become an adult in a parent’s eyes? For some us NEVER! That is our own blind spot. Your child’s independence begins with its first step; its first use of language, with its first, but definite, “No!” Its first real leaving us, sometimes reluctantly, is at the nursery school door. From there it is on to grade school, not hesitantly this time. When they reach middle and high school, most children are raring to go! They still need us, but we are no longer the center of their lives, while they are still our center. Now it is all about their peers, their marvelous “new to us” iPads, iPhones, computer, computer games – that is their reality. It is natural, it is fair, yet it does not seem so to us. It is hard to let go. We hold in our minds the image of the sobbing three year old was has skinned its knee, the loving embrace of a five year old asking, “What do you think?”, or the ten year old inquiring, “Do you like it? I made it especially for you.”

Suddenly it is just you and your spouse. “Alone at last” is not always your response. You haven’t had to deal with each other for quite a while. You always had that child between you. You planned for it and hoped for it each step of the way; but a grownup? Now reality sets in and often finds you unprepared.

The biggest change comes with high school graduation. This is not going quite the way you thought it would. Perhaps you had in mind a lovely quiet dinner with extended family after the ceremony. No, the child is going to a huge party, usually in Brooklyn, at night, no parents allowed! Oh well. Next your child is going off to college, nowhere near you and is never really coming home as a permanent resident, if you are lucky in these hard economic times.

Long before the word “Parenting” became part of the English language, the best “parting” advice I know was to be found in a book called “Claudia” by Rose Franken, published in the early 1940s. Speaking of the child-parent bond Franken wrote “hold close with open hands.” I have lived by that motto. Trying to hold tightly to your child, to protect it constantly, even with the best of intentions, will not be appreciated. How can anyone grow up without knowing disappointment and pain? It cannot be done! We must realize that our children can and will cope with hardship. Hopefully, we taught them how.

Our children do not belong to us. They never did. Everything we think we own is an illusion. Everything and everyone we love is on loan. We can enjoy many things, especially our children. Our greatest gift to them is to let them go, let them grow up, although that can mean our growing apart from them. Separation is a lifelong task and not always easy or pleasant. From birth to death we separate from those we love. Our children must find their own identities, just as we fought to find ours from our own mothers and fathers. At times we grow closer to each other, at other times more distant. Our children grown up and we grow with them. Someone once said to me, “The most important things you can give your child are roots and wings and roots are not the hardest.”

When Your Child Asks for Help

When you adult child asks for your advice, what should you do? When they specifically ask for your help, they really want it. Letting them know that you understand is key. Common sense, listening, and avoiding hysterical outbursts are essential. Calm is in order.

Hard as it is to do, try to separate your pain from your child's. When those you love are in pain, it is difficult not to worry. As much as we want to help, there are times when they must resolve it on their own. It is really tough to keep the right balance and stay sane and helpful. If you say something unhelpful, you will know it fast enough since you will be cut off. If you are on the phone they might say, "okay mom, gotta go now."

It is often true that you don't hear from your adult child when things are going well, but you can be sure the phone will ring when trouble arises. We strive to be a safe harbor for our children when they need our help and support. If our children are more concerned about our reaction to their problem they will not come to us. The goal as parents should be to "hold them close with open hands."

We Are the Product of Our Own Upbringing

At our last grandparents meeting, the topic was “Letting Go of Our Adult Children.” This led us to a spirited discussion of our own parents and how they parented us. We felt that it was very much a part of the topic, because not only do we have to let our children grow up in their own way, we also have to let go of our own parents to become the realized people that we are.

Our grandparents’ generation was a product of the Depression. Their goal was to see that their children “had it better” – food, clothing, and job security. After World War II, parents wanted their children to have a better life than they had, and thought they could achieve this through higher education and acquiring material things. This generation wants their children to be safe and accomplished; they move at a much faster pace due to new technologies. The stress level is much higher today due to economic pressures and social and world insecurities.

Our generation had to let go of what we sometimes thought of as petty tyranny and parental control of our every action. Some of us were never really able to do that. We have a friend in her eighties who constantly blames her mother for her own faults. Amazing but true. What do we need to become fully formed adults and to be our best selves? We need to let go. We need to have the ability to see ourselves realistically and not be a pastiche of what others want us to be; not our parents’ vision nor our own childrens’ vision. We just need to be us!

What You Don't Say Speaks Volumes

Thinking back to our own childhoods, both of us remember something called “the look.” “The Look” was usually on your mother’s face and it conveyed a message of complete dissatisfaction with what you were wearing, doing, or where you were going.

As educated grandparents and parents, we think that our expressions are neutral. In reality, our feelings are visible and readily obvious to our children and grandchildren. We are often unaware that a raised eyebrow, a shrug of a shoulder, a deep sigh, or looking the other way can show displeasure.

Conversely, our children often respond non-verbally as well. Their reactions to us might include rolling their eyes, shuffling their feet, or reading a text message, which indicates their impatience and annoyance. These gestures replace unkind words or, often, too many words. Could this be a good communication strategy?

Even when we try to “zip it,” our body language often shows our true feelings, to which we are entitled. Body language can be used to communicate positive unspoken feelings as well as the negative ones. A huge smile, a hug, a slight nod or a touch or squeeze of a hand, speak volumes.

Tell us what you think!

Ann and Sue

Parenting is Never Easy...Being a Single Parent Is That Much Harder

When your children were younger, many of you participated in
a group for single parents at Central Synagogue with Ann Obsatz. Now that your
children are older, many of their needs have changed, as have yours.




My partner Sue Bayer and I are forming a group specifically
to address the needs of parenting without a partner. Sharing experiences and
concerns, we will seek alternatives to stressful daily challenges and be there
to support each other.




Please join us for the first discussion, by invitation only:

"As Single Parents Talk"




Date: Monday, March 12, 2012

Time: 6:00 PM - 7:30 PM

Place: Home of Sue Bayer

Stonehenge

360 East 65th
  St.

Apt.
 11F




We hope you will join us for fun, food, wine and good
conversation!




Please RSVP to Ann Obsatz at 212-861-6522 

or e-mail Ann at annobsatz@aol.com

or e-mail educatedgrandparent@gmail.com

The Educated Grandparent Is Also The Educated Parent

After running our first successful group for grandparents, we realized that many of the issues that arose were not issues between the grandparent and the grandchild, but rather between the grandparents and their grown children. This is not to suggest that blame rests on one or the other but brings up problems that need to be addressed even if there is no grandchild involved.



Dealing with an adult child is not always easy. Patterns that were established early on still resonate. It is hard to break old parent-child relationships.
In today's society with economic pressures, many adult children return home and revert back to early patterns as do their parents. Family relationships are never easy. 


Both of us are parents of adult children and we realize the difficulty of loving too little or too much. As early childhood specialists we have led many groups for parents of young children. Now we realize how much skill it takes to communicate effectively with adult children.


Therefore we are now offering a workshop series addressing many situations which may arise. 


Some of the topics we will talk about are:


Your "Baby" as a Competent Adult - Fostering Independence




Not Playing the Blame Game 



Keeping the Channels of Communication Open - It's Never too Late!

The Difference in Parenting Daughters and Sons 

Sibling Rivalry - It Never Ends

Living Your Own Life and Letting Them Live Theirs


We welcome your ideas, comments and input.
Please keep checking our blog and our new Facebook page @ www.facebook.com/educatedgrandparent for updates and workshops.

The Myth of Perfection

Psychologist Diana Siskind, in her book Working with Parents, suggests the image of the ideal parent who is loving, wise, kind, patient and reasonable (the one we wanted for ourselves and the one we aspired to become when we had children of our own) is an image only. This applies to grandparents as well.

We would love to be that "perfect person". Is that realistic? We may have perfect intentions but life gets in the way of our plans. Being perfect suggests that we are all powerful and gives us the illusion that we can control the events and people around us.

Emotions, ours and others, get in the way of our relationships and we often find ourselves responding with anger, threats, criticism or playing the blame game. Some people respond by internalizing the anger and might withdraw or beg to be listened to.

Being "perfect" puts a lot of pressure on everyone. When we pressure a child to be "perfect" that child often feels they are failing us because they are unable to live up to our demands. Hearing our anger, children may think it is their fault. In actuality, it probably has nothing to do with them, you just may be having a bad day. Children may also feel responsible for your happiness. That is a tremendous burden at any age.

We are human and we don't have all the answers. It is alright to say,
"That's a good question...I don't have the answer right now, but let me think about it."

We often ask children too many questions. This can add to feelings of insecurity when children don't know how to respond, since children feel safe and secure knowing that the adult is in control.

If we can get rid of the myth of "perfection," what a relief it will be for everyone.