The Educated Grandparent Is Also The Educated Parent

After running our first successful group for grandparents, we realized that many of the issues that arose were not issues between the grandparent and the grandchild, but rather between the grandparents and their grown children. This is not to suggest that blame rests on one or the other but brings up problems that need to be addressed even if there is no grandchild involved.



Dealing with an adult child is not always easy. Patterns that were established early on still resonate. It is hard to break old parent-child relationships.
In today's society with economic pressures, many adult children return home and revert back to early patterns as do their parents. Family relationships are never easy. 


Both of us are parents of adult children and we realize the difficulty of loving too little or too much. As early childhood specialists we have led many groups for parents of young children. Now we realize how much skill it takes to communicate effectively with adult children.


Therefore we are now offering a workshop series addressing many situations which may arise. 


Some of the topics we will talk about are:


Your "Baby" as a Competent Adult - Fostering Independence




Not Playing the Blame Game 



Keeping the Channels of Communication Open - It's Never too Late!

The Difference in Parenting Daughters and Sons 

Sibling Rivalry - It Never Ends

Living Your Own Life and Letting Them Live Theirs


We welcome your ideas, comments and input.
Please keep checking our blog and our new Facebook page @ www.facebook.com/educatedgrandparent for updates and workshops.

The Myth of Perfection

Psychologist Diana Siskind, in her book Working with Parents, suggests the image of the ideal parent who is loving, wise, kind, patient and reasonable (the one we wanted for ourselves and the one we aspired to become when we had children of our own) is an image only. This applies to grandparents as well.

We would love to be that "perfect person". Is that realistic? We may have perfect intentions but life gets in the way of our plans. Being perfect suggests that we are all powerful and gives us the illusion that we can control the events and people around us.

Emotions, ours and others, get in the way of our relationships and we often find ourselves responding with anger, threats, criticism or playing the blame game. Some people respond by internalizing the anger and might withdraw or beg to be listened to.

Being "perfect" puts a lot of pressure on everyone. When we pressure a child to be "perfect" that child often feels they are failing us because they are unable to live up to our demands. Hearing our anger, children may think it is their fault. In actuality, it probably has nothing to do with them, you just may be having a bad day. Children may also feel responsible for your happiness. That is a tremendous burden at any age.

We are human and we don't have all the answers. It is alright to say,
"That's a good question...I don't have the answer right now, but let me think about it."

We often ask children too many questions. This can add to feelings of insecurity when children don't know how to respond, since children feel safe and secure knowing that the adult is in control.

If we can get rid of the myth of "perfection," what a relief it will be for everyone.

The Happiness Trap

When you get right down to it, parents and grandparents have the same goal for their children. They just want them to be happy all the time.

What you think might make a child happy is not necessarily what the child needs or wants. Our need is to continue to take care of them but their need is to become independent and self sufficient.

Realistically, no one is happy all the time. Life is made up of a range of emotions but as parents and grandparents we get caught up in the "Happiness Trap."

When a child is very young we are needed, and that tends to make us happy. But as a child matures, that need for our constant loving presence diminishes.

Here is an example. A 19 year old comes home from college for the holidays. As is typical, he stays out late with friends, and sleep past noon. Mom waits for his door to open and immediately runs to the kitchen to brew fresh coffee and make him a big breakfast, even though the refrigerator is full, and he is capable of making his own breakfast. He waits for his mother to do it, because that has always been the pattern. When asked why she still does this, the mom responds, "it's one of the few things I can still do that makes him happy."

Even for our college aged grandchildren, we fret if that child isn't 100 percent happy. The most important gift we can give is letting them know that we are confident in their ability to make their own decisions and feel confident, capable and in charge of their own futures.

But.... We still hope they will be "happy."

Minding Your P's & Q's

Too many people are complaining that manners are a thing of the past. If you are one of them, we urge you to check out Sara Gorfinkle's wonderful site at www.saramanners.com and give thought to some of her classes or private lessons. She teaches workshops for children, which focus on dining etiquette basics. They are the only ones we know of and they're fun too!

Happy Holidays

Most of us have wonderful memories of holidays. When we see all the tempting clothing and toys beautifully displayed, our instinct as grandparents is to buy our grandchildren everything. We want the best and the most. But, what gives the children the most pleasure?

With the younger children, tearing off the wrapping paper that you have taken so much time and effort with, is often more important than what is in the package. The smallest items (a roll of colored tape, a stamp pad, crayons, stickers) are things they will not only enjoy for the moment but will revisit and play with over and over again. 

Here are some things that will be fun to do with your young grandchildren during the cold days ahead: Save the boxes, which make great toys. The children will find new ways to use them which would never occur to any of us. Taking toys from the child's room, together you can wrap them with newspaper and tape and pretend to have a party and open them up.

For an older child between the ages 7 through 11, talk it over with them first and then plan a day together to shop and find that special item. Children will appreciate not only the item but the fact that you took the time to be there. Finish the day off with hot chocolate. By doing this you are establishing both a ritual and tradition which your child will look forward to year after year.

Teenagers are tricky. They may often enjoy a gift certificate or money because they have their own ideas and like the feeling of independence that comes from making their own choices.

We wish you a joyous holiday and a wonderful new year!


WORKSHOPS STARTING IN THE NEW YEAR for:

• Grandparents
• Parents of Young Children
• Parents of Teens

Please follow our blog for further information or contact us at educatedgrandparent@gmail.com

Improving Relationships – Zip It Up!

One of the hardest things for many of us is to keep quiet; even though we might think we could do the job of raising our grandchildren better than our children. Perhaps it’s true, but probably not. In any case the grandparent must zip it up. No child really wants advice even if it’s good and even if they have asked for an opinion. What they really want is validation that they are doing a good job.

The grandchild is not yours to raise. You’ve done that job, for better or worse, with your own kids. You certainly have rules for your grandchild when they’re visiting your home, but it is best to share these rules with your children. That way, there can be no unpleasant surprises. Your children will not be thrilled to learn “Grandma always lets me do everything I want at her house. There I can watch television the whole time!” If you discuss your rules with your children, you can usually reach an agreeable compromise.

We all think we are “right” but keep it to yourself if you can. What you don’t say often has more impact. Less is definitely more. Your kids will appreciate your silence because you are showing respect for their parenting styles. It is far more important to keep a positive and peaceful relationship with them than having the satisfaction of just being "right"!

On A Lighter Note...

Here's something we received from a grandmother in New York City. We thought this was funny and hope you enjoy it...

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE


Good morning ...


At present we are not at home but please leave your message after you hear the beep.


(beeeeeppp)


If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is


If you need us to stay with the children, press 2


If you want to borrow the car, press 3


If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4


If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5


If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6


If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7


If you want to come to eat here, press 8


If you need money, press 9


If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us out to the theater - start talking, we are listening!!!!!!!!!!!